Failure, Rejection and COVID-19

I was recently asked to share lessons I’ve learned with some student athletes at Ohio State. After reflecting, I decided to turn this topic into my next blog post in hopes that it might encourage others in whatever they are walking through. Here are some lessons the Lord has been teaching me as I’ve journeyed through failure, rejection and COVID-19.

Failure

It is so easy to see someone else’s life from the outside and think they have it all together. Now more than ever, social media has perpetuated the lie that someone’s life is a highlight reel. I hope that by sharing some struggles I’ve faced you are reminded that everyone is going through something, even and especially, if you don’t see it.

To set the scene, it’s helpful to know a little about me and where I’m coming from…

I am a perfectionist. I’m extremely critical of my performance and I’m constantly driven to achieve in everything that I do. Because of this, I have always struggled with the fear of failure.

If you’ve come to this blog, you probably know that I chose to become an actuary, a career that requires passing a series of rigorous exams to become licensed to practice. These exams involve hundreds of hours of preparation. This equates to roughly 20 hours of studying each week on top of a full-time job. It’s a HUGE commitment to say the least.

Plus only 30-40% of people pass each time. As you progress, the exams get harder and the last few are only offered once each year. Each attempt is high stakes and very stressful. Early in my career, I was really fortunate to pass each exam on the first try. However, there came a day when that was no longer true.

I prepared exactly the same way I had for all the previous exams. I studied the recommended number of hours, went through all the practice problems, and reviewed the source material. I went in prepared and confident, but I did not walk out that way…

After 4 hours, I was completely defeated. I had fought hard, but knew it wasn’t enough. Several weeks later, I learned that I had failed Exam 7 by just 1 point.

I was extremely disappointed, but all hope wasn’t lost. I was very happy in my role at work and affirmed in my calling to become an actuary. Since I couldn’t try again for this exam right away, I moved on to study for Exam 8. Six months later, same EXACT story. I poured my heart and soul into studying, only to fail by a single point.

Now I was in what I would call the “pit of despair.” After a full year of failure, doubt started to hit hard.

• Am I really cut out to be an actuary?
• Is the sacrifice to study for these tests really worth it?
• Should I just quit now and cut my losses?

Lesson #1: Identity in Christ

I was at a crossroads and ready to give up. But praise God, I had some incredible people in my life who spoke truth over me and encouraged me to keep going. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that I am not defined by my performance.

My worth as a person is found in the One who created me. My identity is in the finished work of Jesus Christ, which I can neither add to or take from. Absolutely nothing I do in this life will change my standing before God. Because I believe in Jesus as my Savior and have surrendered my life to Him, I stand perfect before God and my salvation is secure.

When I look back, I realize that credentials or not… I’m still the same person: a daughter of the King. Remembering this truth, provides incredible freedom which allowed me to keep pursuing my dream to become an actuary without the weight of proving to the world that I was worthy.

Lesson #2: Never sacrifice the non-negotiables

Sacrifices are essential to achieving many goals in life. However, no matter how hard you try or what you sacrifice, you can’t always control the outcome. Knowing this, I felt the Lord challenging me to re-establish my priorities to determine what was worth sacrificing for success and what wasn’t.

For me, I want to love Jesus and others well. So while I was willing to give up sleep, some social events, Netflix and other distractions, I wasn’t willing to give up investing in my faith, marriage and family. These were my non-negotiables and I had come to see that these were of far greater worth than passing a test. Regardless of the outcome, I would never look back and regret the time I spent investing in these relationships.

Lesson #3: Struggle is inevitable and suffering is an honor

After some time, by God’s grace, I tried again and was eventually able to pass the last 3 exams to earn my Fellowship. But it was NOT easy. The level of stress and anxiety I experienced before these tests nearly killed me.

I distinctly remember the night before my last exam. I was in physical pain from the anxiety and collapsed to my knees in prayer. Then, I recalled Jesus’ last night before he was crucified. As he prepared to go to the cross, he was in so much anguish that he literally sweat blood. Yes, that’s right – blood!

Even though I was confident in my identity, I still struggled with extreme stress and anxiety. In this moment I was reminded that:

1. Suffering in life is inevitable. In John 16:33, Jesus tells his disciples that “In this world, you will have trouble…”
2. Suffering is an honor and joy. But Jesus doesn’t stop there. He then says, “But take heart! I have overcome the world.” We can find joy in the midst of suffering because Jesus has already won the ultimate battle. We can consider it an honor when we struggle, because we get the opportunity to take part in a tiny fraction of the suffering Jesus endured to save us.

Rejection

Life involves a lot of decisions…

• Should I become a teacher or a doctor?
• Should I apply to this job or that one?
• Should I stay close to home or move far away?

Many times I’ve wished God would just tell me what His will for my life is, but then I’m reminded He already has:

“The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” – John 6:29

That’s it.

It’s that simple and it can take many forms. Because of God’s love and grace, He gives us the freedom to choose how to live this out.

Lesson #4: Take risks and have BOLD faith

Not many people know this, but I was rejected from the first position I applied for at Root.

It’s often said that “when one door closes, another opens.” However, this isn’t always true. Sometimes when one door closes, you simply need to bust it open.

I knew going in it was a stretch. However, my husband and I were confident that the Lord was calling us to move back to Columbus. After a lot of research and prayer, I knew Root was the only company I wanted to work for.

So in a complete leap of faith, I responded to the rejection letter. I asked if there was another position at the company that I’d be a better fit for, knowing full well that this was the only actuarial opening they had posted on their website. Truthfully, I never expected to get a response.

To my surprise, an HR rep emailed me, saying that he would speak with the company’s Chief Actuary and get back to me.

Lesson #5: God STILL works miracles

It was several more weeks before I heard anything. Things were progressing for my husband’s job and I started to think that we’d soon be moving to a new place with only 1 job, a house to sell and new rent to pay. The Lord had said “not yet” to this opportunity and I was getting nervous about how everything would work out.

At the same time, I also had inexplicable peace because I believed the Lord would provide for us wherever He was calling us to go. Finally, after several months, I was presented with an incredible opportunity to join Root, in a role that was much better aligned with my skills and ambitions.

It still blows my mind how it all came together. The Lord delights in blessing us and still does miracles to this day. All we have to do is ask. If God can raise Jesus from the dead, you better believe He can move whatever mountain is in your way.

COVID-19

2020 – What a year.

Words seem so inadequate to describe the pain and suffering we’ve all endured throughout this global pandemic. To be honest, I’m still processing everything that has and is taking place in this country and across the world. Here are just a few lessons I’m currently learning in my walk with Christ:

Lesson #6: You are NEVER alone.

If you’ve never read the “Footprints in the Sand” poem or listened to Hillsong’s “Another in the Fire,” I would highly recommend doing so immediately.

Both of these are beautiful displays of God’s promise to never leave or forsake us. Not only will He walk with us in the storms of life, but He will carry us and fight our battles if we let Him. There’s no pain or temptation that Jesus doesn’t understand. When we hurt, God’s heart breaks for us and with us.

Lesson #7: Whatever you’re going through, God can redeem it.

In this season of isolation, it’s become more evident than ever how important community is. The Lord moves and speaks through his people. When we are vulnerable and honest about the trials we’re facing, it breaks down walls and bonds us with others. Our challenges can then be used for good to encourage and uplift those around us. God can redeem any situation.

Lesson #8: The victory has already been won.

As I write this, we still have no idea when or if the world will ever go back to normal.

• Will we always have to wear masks?
• Will we ever be comfortable giving and receiving hugs from loved ones?
• Will this racial hate and discrimination ever end?

It can be so discouraging to dwell on these questions. However, I have personally been encouraged by this truth: We may not be able to see past the fog that surrounds us, but we know how the story ends. Jesus conquered death and rose victorious, so that we can have hope today.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, or crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away… Behold, I am making all things new.” – Revelation 21: 4-5